The Anti-Clooney

Oh. My. God. That was THE absolute worst date I have ever had in my life. THE WORST!!!

I knew from the moment he told me that he hadn’t thought of a plan for our date and that I should just meet him on the street corner by the train, things would not be good. And then he called to ask ME what I would be wearing. I told him jeans, flats and a top. Which is what I wore. All day long. (I did not dress up for this guy, trust me!)

So I got off the train right at 8:30pm, and texted him that I would be waiting on the southeast corner of the street. But he came up from behind me and there was this awkward hug thing (I think he tried to kiss me but that, thankfully, did NOT happen!) He’s wearing a sweatshirt, a dirty baseball cap, and khaki cargo pants. He looks at me and says: “I thought you said you were not going to dress up?” Buddy, I am NOT dressed up. I’m wearing dirty jeans, a tank top that I wore all day with a pretty blouse over it, and flats and I had my trench coat on. So. Not. Dressed. Up.

As we discuss where to go, I notice a whiff of booze, and I think, “Oh, maybe that was some other street smell. We are in the East Village after all.” And then as we talk and walk west toward Union Square, I smell it again. No. F***ing. Way! The guy was DRUNK! That was so incredibly not cool and I’m just thinking, “How the f*** do I get out of here?!”

He asks me if I like artichokes and I said yes, so he decides to take me to this pizza place (a little bit bigger than a pizza stand) that is known for their artichoke and spinach pizza. I had never heard of it, so I asked where it was. He pointed to the line of people that were waiting OUTSIDE the place and said, “See that line of people, that’s it!” I almost died. This is a first date buddy, what are you thinking? Obviously, he was drunk and not thinking.

So we wait in line for 20 minutes and he tells me in his raspy voice how beautiful I look tonight. I am standing with my arms crossed. I reply (every time he tells me how beautiful I look – a total of 6 times!) “Thank you. That is very kind. I am just SO tired.” I refused to ask him anything about him. I answered his questions with brief statements. I found out he’s a handyman/construction worker (nothing wrong with that) and that my friend Sandy apparently got jealous that I gave him my card last night so she gave him her card too. Whatever. She was wondering who called her at 2am last night from a blocked number.

We get the pizza: uber creamy and actually quite good, but it’s gotta be insanely high in calories, and we sit on a bench that is outside, on the street, watching all the homeless go by on 14th Street. I am panicked the entire time that someone I know will see me. I had my eagle eyes peeled looking both directions, and praying to God that my ex-boyfriend (who lives very near that location) would not walk by. That would have killed me. My thought process: If I did run into someone, I would tell them that I was doing volunteer work and that was why I was with this guy. Like a Big Brothers/Big Sisters thing. Who cares if the guy is older than me. Maybe he’s mentally challenged. Yes, that’s it! That’s why I’m here with him, eating extra-fattening pizza with a drunk guy who looks nothing like George Clooney. Oh my gosh, I am still in disbelief that this happened. Holy cow.

He started asking me about where I grew up and I mentioned that my family moved when I was in 5th grade. He then started talking about how he remembered having to go to the big sex ed talk in the 5th grade and how the boys and girls went to separate rooms in the school gym and how it was so weird and intimidating. “Like, why separate the boys from the girls?” And I just wanted to shout: “You idiot! Because it’s different for boys than it is for girls!” But I just said: “It’s different.” Then pizza sauce spilled ALL OVER his pants. O.M.G. Seriously? When he went to get napkins to clean himself up, I thought to myself, “Maybe I should just run away now. He’s inside, I’m on the street, I can just run. I’m wearing flats!” But then he came back.

So we finished up the pizza and he was a gentleman and took my plate to throw away for me. (He also paid for the pizza.) I pointed at a garbage can that was on the way toward the train. As we were walking back east (and towards the train), he, for some reason, decides that he wants to try to hold my hand. I couldn’t believe it. I did this weird maneuver with my arm to keep it away from his, and said “I’m not comfortable with that.” I mean, seriously?! And then when we got to the corner, he asked me which way I would prefer to go for some drinks: uptown or downtown. I said “I’m not feeling well and I’m sorry but I have to go. I have really bad acid reflux.” And then I ran into traffic to cross the street. I. Ran. Into. Traffic. I seriously almost got hit by a car. When I got to the other side of First Avenue, he was right behind me and asked me “What did I do wrong? I’ve never chased a girl away so quickly before.” I just said “I gotta go, goodnight. I’m not feeling well.” And hugged him and ran down the train steps and onto the train. Time check: 9:10pm

This was my punishment for drinking too, too much. Another reason why I prefer online dating.

Spring-like weather in NYC brings out the freaks AND the flirts!

The weather in NYC has been pretty gorgeous and spring-like all week. And it has been a crazy week for me too! I was out four out of five nights since Sunday, and I’m going out tonight and have plans through Thursday night. I’m already exhausted, but it’s better than sitting alone all week.

Anyway, the craziness started on Wednesday. St. Patrick’s Day. There were a bunch of “Irish” freaks on the subway as I was heading into work. Spray painted their hair green, wore green makeup on their faces…lots of shamrocks. And they were LOUD. Obnoxious. I had to be at work a little earlier than I normally am because we were having our bi-annual all day meeting. And because it’s a meeting that lasts all day my co-worker “Sandy” and I went out for drinks afterward to sarcastically recap some of the meeting’s funnier moments. So we’re at the bar at our local Mexican restaurant and OMG we were like man magnets! But not in a good way…

First, this very short, bald guy wearing a fireman’s uniform walks by and is looking for a stool. Our other colleague had literally just left so I offered it to him. His taller, 10% better looking friend suddenly appeared next to him and they decided that they want to chat and buy us drinks. We didn’t say no, because A) it’s a free drink B) our bartender friends will get an even better tip and C) we were bored. So the little guy (HALF MY SIZE) is into me. He lives on Long Island, three blocks from the beach. He was really trying to impress me. I was like, cool, whatever. He then kept going on about my hair and my lips and my eyes and how beautiful and then was rhyming about my lips and my hips (lame) and everything was sexy. This is a sexy meal, that is a sexy fork you’re using… and then dude wants to dance with me (because he’s supposedly an EXCELLENT dancer) and I keep saying no because he’s literally half my size! Can you just imagine what sort of comedy that would be? And then, he asks to take me out on Saturday, to go bowling in Williamsburg, and I was a little more drunk and felt like if I said no, I would be judging him too much based on size so I said okay. He was nice, but I wasn’t really into him and I haven’t even heard from him but if I do, I am going to say no. Sandy actually liked the other guy and he even texted her so she might get a date out of the whole thing…

During that whole ordeal, I went downstairs to use the bathroom, and as I was returning upstairs I passed this old black guy that I met a few months ago (the night I let some drunk dude drive me home – bad idea, I know, I was drunk too and not processing information properly.) This is the same guy who cornered me in that very same spot downstairs that first time I met him and asked for a kiss on the cheek for his birthday so I kissed him on the cheek and he turned his head and I got his mouth and…UGH! GROSS! So this time, he grabbed my arm and he remembered my name! And I was like, ewww, panic! He remembers my name! He then tried to get me into that corner again – who knows why he thought that would be okay with me! And I then wriggled out of his grip and was like I gotta go. He asked for my card and I said I have no more cards, bye! And ran upstairs. Later, I caught him staring at me from across the room while I was chatting with the short fireman. Can you say, creepy?! So after the other guys left for the night, the old black dude comes over and hands ME a business card from the establishment we were at, with his phone number scrawled on the back with hearts and flowers doodled on it. And I remember the dude who drove me home that drunken foolish night told me that this old guy is in his 60s. And that they ALL thought I was 26. Like, seriously? Yuck.

And then after the old dude left, Sandy went down to the bathroom and this other guy came over to me. He was from Angola but grew up in Portugal and lives here now, blah blah. Then he started speaking to me in French, then told me that he was on his way to this bar/club Nublu that I used to go to all the time, but he had bad skin and some odd doo rag thingy over his hair – that’s if he even HAD hair. I gave him my card – the best way to get rid of him – and then he followed me and Sandy out and for a second I was scared he was going to want to share a cab. So I insisted on sharing a cab with Sandy, but whoa, what a night! And I didn’t even drink THAT much! I had maybe 5 glasses of wine (with ice added to the wine) over a 5 hour period. And we actually ate some food. It was crazy.

Next evening, I went out with a good friend of mine “Sydney” who just got a job after being out of work for one year. We met up with another friend “Gary” after dinner and we went to this fancy hotel bar because Gary is connected there. Sydney ended up drinking a little too much wine and she started dancing with every person who came out of the bathroom. Just asking them for a little boogie and if they could spin her. It was kind of funny. After this one guy spun her, he reached for my hand and wanted to dance with me. He was kind of cute: tall, very very muscular – made me think of a football player. And he asked for my number, so I gave it to him. I haven’t heard from him though.

And yesterday was one of the best weather days we’ve had in NYC lately. All the crazies were out. I witnessed a petite blond girl violently hurl her half eaten egg sandwich right onto the tracks of the 6 train, when her #5 train pulled into the station. People are already walking around in flip flops (still too early for that I think) and mini skirts. There were just tons of people out.

Sandy and I went for a drink after work that lasted about 6 hours. Another impromptu night. We went to this great Spanish restaurant that’s around the corner from my office. The bar area was pretty full, save for these two bar stools that had their own counter space but faced looking out the front window. But on the counter space were 2 bouquets of flowers wrapped in paper and a box that looked like an Amazon package. So we asked some people if that was their stuff and could they move it. A well dressed older woman at the bar turned and looked at us incredulously, like how dare you ask?! She said it was wedding cake, did we mind if her group left it there? Seriously?! We were like, well we want to sit here lady, do you mind if it’s here with us? So one of the men she was with moved it to their bar area space and then the whole group of them went outside to sit on the bench in front of our window. For the rest of the night. The poor bartender had to take the crap off the bar so other customers could sit and have drinks. BIZARRE!

Then we wandered through the East Village and had some more drinks and then ended up at this burger place we go to quite often in a drunken state. (Bad.) There were lots of men there last night and a few of them wandered over to talk with us. I don’t recall most of what was discussed but when we left, two of them walked me to a cab, and the one who had a slight resemblance to George Clooney asked if he could take me out to dinner tonight and when I said sure, and gave him my card, he stole a quick kiss from me as I started to open the door of the cab. Kind of cute!

So I am meeting him tonight at 8:30. Will keep you posted!